Up to Now

Well. Its been a minute.

So much has changed. I have changed.
  In February I returned from a two year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. First and foremost, the Midwest is all sorts of a different bag of fun from the west coast. The people are different, the climate is different, the world views are different. But I loved it.

When I left Washington on Feb 13th 2013, I had a bleak outlook on life. I was lonely. I was depressed. There was no real hope in my life. I had just finished what I saw as an extremely taxing year. It started with a chain of painful relationship mistakes and fights. Then came the car accident and concussion/memory loss. Then came the "loss of friends"...At least. That is what I looked at it as. Really, as always, things were just changing, growing evolving. I lost one of my best friends because of my own cruelty and senselessness. Another by my own choice. Others by just naturally drifting apart. Then came the depression. I had "lost" (by my own choice) those who were closest to me. Then I lost my drive with running. I Got up in the mornings, went to seminary, went home, then went to track practice. Like clockwork. Every day. Sometimes I would end up escaping into the woods and wilderness but it wasn't often.

A few things kept me alive and going. Top of the list being my brother. Jason. He would drag me off my butt, once a week and take me into the mountains. A peak a week. It kept me sane. Then, on some whim. I decided to start visiting the high school at lunchtime. At first it was to reconnect with Brendan and Mara. My two best friends. Truly the two people who had known me the best through the years. We jumped back into our friendships like I had never backed away from them. In some ways I hadn't. But the fact is, I hadn't really been talking to them consistently for two years prior.

Was it perfect? No. Did it start help giving me hope and happiness again? Yes. As I kept showing up at lunch times, I came to realize. I had people that cared about me. Even looked up to me. It was my senior year. I had spent the last 3 years running. I had gotten fast and, even though I hadn't really ever realized it, become someone that people looked up to. Younger runners popped out of the crowded high school hallways and would start talking to me.

In my two years I actually spent attending my high school I had never been popular. Not even close. In any circle. I was just another underclassman. Now, I was someone that people recognized. Needless to say, it was weird as heck for me. But, not gunna lie. It felt good. Especially with how terrible I had been thinking of myself.

So. Thats how things started to get a little better. I wont even begin to get in to that summer. It was insane.I lived. It was glorious. I had adventures and had fun. I got to be a kid for a while before I started taking life seriously. It was the perfect "last summer" (how I thought of it)

Then friends started disappearing for college and I was spending all of my time either at the airport working or screwing around like the 18 yr old I was. Then it came my time. I left Washington. I left home for the first real time. I moved to Idaho. I went to school and found out that the effects from my concussion were not actually gone. They were very much alive. I couldn't focus and remembering the things I was "learning" was impossible. I got lonely again. I was starting from pretty much scratch. I had one friend from back home and we hadn't really talked in about 6 years. So yeah. Clean slate.

That was a rough few months and I don't like to dwell on it. Long story short, I felt like there was nothing left for me at home. Or in Idaho. Or anywhere really. I decided that I needed a clean break from my past. A way to restart.

I would like to say the original reason for me going on a mission was purely selfless. I suppose in some ways it was. But when it comes down to it. I left because I knew it was right and good and I knew that all that was left for me at home was hurt.

So I left.

I like to think I can be pretty good at putting on a face. Considering the lack of concern from those around me, I did a pretty good job of it at the time.
My mission president the first adult I ever admitted having depression or anxiety problems to. I could count on one hand the number of humans flat out that I had ever told. Ironically I'm pretty sure that was, for the most part, the calmest 2 years for those things I had experienced since middle school.

My first area. Paris Illinois. March-May 2013

 I spent my first week with the stomach flu and after that we went to work. Well, what I thought was work. I learned later that my trainer wasn't exactly the most...diligent human ever. We made friends though, we had fun, we taught.

Pagedale Missouri

 My first "ghetto area" I loved it. I had good companions. I learned how to work, how to teach, how to interact with people. I had adventures. I met gang members, I watched grown men beat the living daylights out of each other, I saw the lives of the wealthy and the lives of the destitute. I learned what it really was to be happy.



...


I started this post over 6 months ago. It feels like a lifetime has gone by. I feel like to be real im not going to read over everything i already wrote to avoid editing/ deleting it. Im sure my perspective has changed since then.

When I wrote this, I was still working as a security guard. I was not a happy camper. I was sad and depressed and didnt know what was going on in life.
Now, I work as a transportation driver for a nursing home. I couldn't be happier. I love my job and I have excellent coworkers. I live in a new place that I love and a city that i feel like i can call home. I have a beautiful and wonderful wife. All is well in the world.

My goals as of now.
- Loose all the weight ive gained in the last year/ get into running shape.
- Figure out which college i want to go to.
- Start at said college.
- Get a degree.
- Find a job here that pays better and is deeper into the field of health care.
- OR move back to Washington to do the same.
- Find places to hike here
- If i am really staying here, Settle. Like for real. No more dreaming of wooded trails and mountain peaks in a far off land.
- Find a good older truck and fix it up good.

Yup. Life. Would I have guessed 3 years ago i would be where I am now? I would be lying if I said anything close to yes. This is nowhere near any of my plans. But it is good. I am happier than i have been in many many years.

And so. For now, I am done.

carpe diem

EPJ

2012

   Well. Another year gone. Things have changed and I've been forced to grow, whether I like it or not. My year started with confusion and frustration a car accident right off the bat. After that I was definitely relearning some things. I felt like I had lost myself and that I didn't know who I was anymore. I think a lot of it was that with that conk on the head I finally stepped back and took a look at my life and when I did I realized I didn't like where I was. I had let myself get to a point where sitting on my butt and not standing up for myself or fighting for the things I want was ok.
   Yeah no not ok. I knew that it would not be an easy transition because a lot of the problem was how much I depended on those around me for my personal  happiness and the fact was, I spent too much time looking to make everyone else happy and not enough time finding the things in my life that I did for me, the things that really hit me hard and made me smile to the core.

   Big thing # one that I learned and applied this year
       -If it doesn't make you more happy than it does sad or stressed its not worth your time.
This one helped me with running, friends, books it just kinda helped me to look at the big picture.
It really started because with the concussion I was kinda limited on what took space in my brain, therin started the impatience to this day there are people that think that I just decided to be a jerk for no reason but the fact is if I hadn't shut them out in the fastest most efficient way possible I would have been reduced to a blithering mess.

  Big thing # two
     -It is an extremely good thing to not let things get to you
When you have a roommate that you would gladly punch in the face as soon as give them the time of day you really have to work with patience and self control. I find it to be a miracle sometimes that i got over it because dealing with things like i had to used to be something that i wasn't good at.

  This year was a big learning and growing experience Idaho gave me new perspective and light this summer showed me...well it showed me a lot of things
theres always a surprise around the corner, you are usually wrong, sometimes going back is better than going forward, life likes throwing curve balls (think chronicle) oh and right when you think you know whats up life changes.

well as always this blog has deteriorated into a rant but heck, what of it
all in all just about anything that could have happened, happened this year, and the fact is that's just fine by me. no mater how rough things get that's life and whats life without a few potholes.

-"It's just that...I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's the universe's way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It's how life is."
 

Recovery

Have you ever felt trapped in your own head? No? well it sucks.big time.majorly the end.
Going through life normally just living an average life;school,fixing up a truck with one of my best friends and then spending time with my girlfriend everything smooth and streamlined.

Now lets throw another piece into the puzzle. While everything feels normal most of the time any one thing can trigger it. Sitting in math class is the worst. listening paying attention doing my best to learn which is about 100x more than ive ever had to do in a math class before and sitting there that whole time is that nagging feeling that ive been here ive done this...havnt i? and if ive done this and if my brains sneak peak is right this stuff should be breezy right?
The second i grab on to the tendril of a thought,believing that all i will have to do is follow it and remember what i already know...WHAM my thoughts slam into a wall. Now this wall isnt anything solid or impenetrable, that would be too nice no this is more like a foggy semi-clear spongy thing. Looking at it you can tell what you want is just on the other side and there just has to be a way through it looks so pliable and  like it would be so simple to get through but no mater how hard i try no mater what i do i cant get through i cant remember anything useful other than the fact that its already in there.

The other part im not sure how i feel about still. it can be good and bad. Chunks of memory are gone. like not "hey do you remember what bill said that one time?" gone but more like "wasnt that hike great when we almost died?"
With these its not a hey its just out of reach thing here its more of a hole no fuzzy fringes just a clean cut gaping hole in my memories. The thing that gets to me though is that they arnt gone they've been coming back bit by bit triggered by just about anything. A candy on the shelf at a store, a face i recognize in a crowed , a Christmas wreath up on a wall. They come in waves hitting me making my mind go blank except for that old memory that had been buried deep down coming back and washing over me. The first time it happened i was ecstatic my brain had been turned off (just like how everyone always says they wish they could do. but for the record i will never again honestly wish my brain was turned off. to have a blank slate nothing there an inability to concentrate on anything.it sucks.) but when it turned back on it was like a computer doing a systems check. I saw Cinnamon fire jolly ranchers and memories flooded into my head of my childhood my sister and her first boyfriend and how they used to always have something or another like that in their backpacks when they came home to study.

That was the beginning after that memory hit it was amazing every little thing gave me another part of myself back helped my brain start working again but over time it hit a peak and there was less and less that triggered things i started living normal again and things felt as if everything was back but the further ive gotten from that point the more things that pop up. not little things big things.things that shouldnt have gone away.

 Most recently its the Christmas decorations that are doing it. with this part im not sure that its the accident that took these ones away or if my brain is just selectively choosing to ignore everything thats not super major from the month of december of last year. the first day it happened was the worst. I had always remembered my dads surgery hard to forget it was still in the forefront even after the accident it kinda went hand in hand with my...issues to make life in january hard but thats not my point. i was slammed with hours waiting at the hospital with mom spending time with dad there driving back and forth my mind had been all over the place so much was going on all at once and even as it was happening i didnt know what i needed to be concentrating on.
talking with mom today i really just thought about all that has happened in the last year and everything.
Trials with XC,complex life with jess,anat and phys, adventures with matt/kasey/logan ,countless runs,dads health problems,school applications,SR project
i had so much just battering me good bad and in between, it was just complicated trying to balance life and then to have the concussion it was like my brain pushed a reset button.

No mater how far down we fall we can always recover and get back up. this accident has proved that to me. my confidence and desire to be resilient had long been beaten to a pulp and was next to nonexistent and to be faced with something like this where i had a choice.
Conform and let it tear me apart and never force myself through it or i could fight i could recover i could go through every painful frustrating moment of it to come out on top. however much this has sucked and made my life downright crappy at times as with everything there is something to be gained and to grow from and i think for me i needed it so that i could get back to standing up for myself and enduring to the end working for what i know i want and deserve.


-EPJ

College

life on my own.
its an adventure its a change and im loving it
its been a bit of a roller coaster to say the least im constantly moving like almost literally i walk everywhere and i go places frequently and yeah its life. when you live somewhere that you could walk from one side to the other in like an hour tops it makes it perfectly ok not to have a car i mean staying here for more than a semester and i think i would go nuts having to depend on other people for vehicles when i need one but as it is now its good it keeps me in better shape and makes things more interesting

things actually feel normal and comfortable it feels like ive been here alot longer than a month ive fallen so much into set patterns and ways of life that just feel right probably my favorite part of the day is when my last class gets over and i just go chill. theres a place called the gardens and some days after class i will just sit down and crank the music let it wash over me and push away the stuff that happened during my day just leaving me at peace,water flowing leaves rustling its nice. other days ill sit down and read for hours

friday that was a very necessary thing pretty much i was just having a horrible day and i my mind was being mean during math and yeah like i said all in all a crap day. but the really good thing was i still had my routine. no matter how bad my day had been i just sat down cranked the volume and sat talked to some people and got myself back on the tracks. it was really good though cuz i know that when ive been like i was before ive had the habit of just letting it take over and make me feel horrible for the longest time but to just sit back and detox from my day.twas good.

alot of my issues recently is just me loosing patience with people and being homesick and stuff just letting all the little things build up and then to have a math class like i did.it just pushed me over.i need to get better about not letting the little things build. like today for example i got home life was being stressful so being the smart child i am i took my moms advice and went for a run.tossed on the shoes plugged in and went. it wasnt to train or anything just to get my heart pumping and feel the night air. in the end i went scenery hunting lol first i ran out to the middle of nowhere sat down and looked at the stars,i even saw a couple shooting stars before i left =) it was great. thennnnnnn as per mine sisters advice i went to the stadium and sat at the top and dang.i never would have guessed the view was that impressive.it may not have trees or mountains but i do still appreciate the beauty surrounding me. im glad to have that ability. i think alot of it comes from my doing photography so much and stuff or maybe i just have it naturaly and thats why i love photo. no mater what im glad i have it. to see beauty where others do not, to look at a bolt and go "dang thats amazing" i mean it can put a smile on my face, a leaf a misplaced can a rock sitting in the middle of a road. while my favorite places in this world involve mountains and trees and oceans. the flat desert life it has a spot for me too.

kia kaha
EPJ

Restart and let the adventure begin again...

So the title on this one is there or a reason,it also happens to be the title of my favorite (for now) playlist i have on spotify.

(Ive talked about most of this before but i feel that now i need to repeat and clarify to get points of where im at now across)

My reason for that sentence that frame of mind pretty much started this last summer. My life had been pretty "OK" for quite a while truly mediocre nothing really exciting happening. running i felt like was a loss and the only reason i was doing it was for the pure joy of it which to be honest is what i always should have been doing instead of just once and awhile but then i pooped out for running.
i kinda mentally lost it after my sophomore year and never really pulled it back together the rest of the way. When all is said and done, yes im satisfied with my running career,yes i will miss it but when it comes down to it i left nothing.i gave my all and thats all that really ever maters.

the rest of my life kinda fell to kapooy after well i dunno it was like a steady degradation with various punctuations of good times i let myself get too caught up in girls and running and kinda forgot to have fun,it was all stress all the time be it girls crazy classes running driving life all of it. life was just stressful. i would go hang out with my buddies every so often go out and just be stupid you know have fun be teenagers like we are supposed to but even then i always felt like i was somewhere else distracted and whatnot then winter came along i kinda got distanced from most of my friends and made questionable choices (as per my thoughts lol) with the company i spent time with,good people just not the most uplifting and smart for me.

Things kinda started turning around and life was stabilizing then. 1/14/12 jeepy. freaking crappy night it was already a pretty crappy night then the accident happend.no freaking warning it was just ok and then...not bang right into the other car and my jeepy my friend (yes i called it my friend it really was cuz it was like an extension of me,it was my baby and it gave me a connection to a grandma i love and miss) but yeah that sucked and brought my life down.

I was contained and stuck in my house for i dont even know how long with nice snow outside that i wasnt supposed to play in (i did once before the concussion hit lol) thennnnnn the concussion hit.
greatly simplified and to the point.LIFE SUCKD lol really though i laugh now but i was soooooo miserable constant headaches no real physical activity and every time i tried it made it so freaking bad. They say recovery takes time and you cant speed it up and i agree now.to a degree. when it came to track i wasnt going to screw up my season lots of positive thinking and luck let me run.
Life got back to. well not normal but better,i was back in school but not very much, i was back in running but super cautious about it.
the thing that really sucked was that my best friend also happend to be my biggest source of stress in life so being around her or talking to her drained me. heck life in general drained me more than usual but stress took more of a toll than usual. and so life went on. it was rocky but life went on.

Fast forward just before graduation.
Life is stable
Yoga helped me get on my feet and feel normal, physically mentally and mostly emotionally lol
Friends stood by me and holy crap the old friends who i went too long without contact with are life savers.

Summer.
DANG. like seriously dang this summer was... interesting it was like nothing before and yet...familiar and good.
I reconnected with old friends,made new starts with some and made new friends that i never saw coming.

Fireworks.
My first job of the summer i got because of my cousin Erin and it was definitely a good experience, i got to know her better and be friends with her which is really good now because it gives me a new friend here in rexburg to have someone to talk to and spend time with, family is great =)
the job itself was a blast...see punny =) it was a ton of fun and i worked with some characters
i was in olympia all but weekends and that put some stress on friendships but oddly enough that was the week that mara and i reconnected and i had one of my best friends back in my life and it was so good,to have someone there in my life to listen and just be a friend,it had been a while since i had a no stress relationship with a friend not worried about if they were pissed or if they liked me or if they were using me just knowing that we both cared about each others problems and were there for each other.

Airport.
One day at church james told me about a job he had at the airport so i looked into it got the papers together and got my interview. got the job on the spot and hoooorah i had a job close to home starting the following monday.
it was work it killed my life but it was good i loved it. the management could be stressfull but it was nice. the downside was that i was going to miss my family reunion
So training begins and it sucks sitting in a classroom all day annnnnd then we get to the end of the week and  mom and dad had left already i had no idea if i would be at work the next week and was living each day expecting a phone call telling me the next day was my first day of work.
that went on till wednesday or thursday. then i got a call telling me i didnt have work till monday. frustrating.
but all in all while im frustrated and sad that i didnt get to be with my family it was an amazing week and it was the week that made the rest of my summer acceptable.
i got to spend time with all my friends i got to go run i got to have fun and relax and be happy. it was a nice change. one week of peace and happy in the midst of being too busy to breathe.
my favorite nights by far were the first with mara when we got to go to the movies and then walk around for a bit at the lake just talking about life and everything then the second night lol freaking awesome i havnt gotten to spend time with brendan in freaking forever and both of us were always too busy but i pretty much go back from mutual and spent the night watching movies and doing stupid guy things like the 12 can challenge it was just good and fun to have my best friend back and really reconnect for real after so many years of being friends. i feel like since sophomore year weve only really gotten to be around each other a few times every year. and this was good because we both knew with our jobs and me leaving for school that we wouldnt get very much time before my mission.
so that was my week of relaxing,movies and friends.soccer games.
and then work started. the airport was an excellent experience hard work, freaking hard work but i loved it. it was fun and i had a mostly good experience once i got over my cold half way through. freaking got a cold and swapped crews at the same time so i was useless and grouchy when i got pulled from a group of guys that i got along with really well.
fast forward.end of the summer.friends leaving college approaching work over.
wisdom teeth out.

College.

as i said this was the summer.this was it.

restart and let the adventure begin again.
graduation was the restart button and this summer was the kick start to the new beginning.

My life gets its second chance its new beginning.
restart and let the adventure begin again.

School.
My first stretch of life on my own, yes i depend on my parents and everything but im still on my own and having to deal with things myself and learn how to be my own person being responsible and making choices.
a whole new set of friends and situations.its going to be hard but all the same .
bring it on.its time to start this new adventure.
restart and let the adventure begin...I WILL SURVIVE!
-EPJ

The road to peace is riddled with potholes

Ive been making it a point in my life to start letting go and live more to be happier and have some fun. I mean I always have fun and stuff its just for a while there I felt like i was just going with the flow and letting life happen i wasnt making any choices really i was just skating by on minimal effort letting other people take the reigns for the most part,now i think more about what i want,what i need from life im done making other people happy and living trying to please everyone and everyone, i mean its a nice polite kind way to live but in the end its not really living i was just there. stagnant. before i keep talking i will say this,i love my friends and they are awesome that being said... most of the friends that i had been spending time with for the last year or so while they are all awesome and i never want to loose a single one of them they havnt been the best for me,when i first started spending time with them they helped me to get my head on straight and be a happier person i had sunk pretty low for a while and they were alot of what got me on my feet but then things took a dive and it started working the other direction and i just always felt exahusted i was always doing something to step on someones toes and thats the thing if i was succedding in eing sensitive about one persons feelings i was hurting anothers i just couldnt win and it was killing me

i think i might have handled it better if it wasnt for the accident i feel like i always go back to that but it really did have a massive impact on my life ive changed. with all that happend with me physicaly and psychologicaly after that i just didnt have the energy to do it all.for the first time in a while i needed someone there for me.and there was no none. i had so many people that were my close friends and they still talked to me and we hung out but when it came down to it i just never felt like they were there, like they didnt really care that much.
For the most part that wasnt really accurate and it was just my head screwing with me but to every paranoia there is a line of truth and as my head cleared and i recovered becoming me again i was done. i was sick of being the backburner boy for one friend, the friend to be resented for another and the friends friend. and so as school came to a close i made a choice. i would be happy.not that fake im going to smile now because punching someone in ther face would be frowned upon,but truely happy i was going to go through my life and change things up,change the way i was living my life,my priorities and in a large part,my friends not cutting anyone out just changing things,taking back my control.

Two of the really big changes in my life were Brendan and Mara, whether they knew it or not. they were my oldest and closest friends and the things i missed most about being at kentwood they are freaking amazing friends and i dont foresee ever not being friends with either of them ive been through way too freaking much over the years with them and theyve always made me genuinely happy, they can both drive me up a wall sometimes but hey the best ones always do =) beyond that i kinda just took a break from my other friends,it was never intended as a permanent one but still i needed some time to back off and reasses my life,and if they cared enough and were patient enough they could be let back in,if not then its on their heads and they can work for it.before i was always the one working so i figured it was time. annnnnd then i got a job working in olympia which solidified the chasm between most of my friends and me at least temporarily then i came back and got a different job that would take up lots of my time,when it comes down to it now its a much greater effort to spend time with people so now i aim to make the best of my time instead of squandering it so far ive sure as heck done that and ive had a heck of a time be it long phone calls or a movie with a 12 can challenge (horrible freaking idea btw brendan and i tied at i think it was 6 or 7 XD) Life is good
Life is balanced I am happy Peace at last =) A thank you to anyone that helped me through these last four years and these last few months especialy it means alot. -EPJ

Trials

i have always thought that i was one of those people who would just fight through things and make them bend to my will not effecting me. The last 2 months have proved me wrong
Back at the beginning of august,i was out late one night playing night games with friends(when i shouldn't have been) and at one point,i twisted my ankle badly enough i was afraid it was broken.
driving home scared the crap out of me.if something could hurt to that point when driving-how the heck could i run on it? the simple answer was that i couldnt i didnt even try for about a week or two. once i got back...it was bad i could run on it,i did i wouldnt let myself back down not after this last year.
this turned out to be a really crappy mindset. i was able to train i was improving but as the races proved my ankle was weak.i never let it heal i never gave it a chance to recover.
this added up to one race dropped out of and one that i didnt race. all in all it was a disheartening experience but ive fought through and caved to the voice telling me i needed a recovery.
No mater how many times i say it my ankle wasnt the biggest problem.neither my head nor my heart were really in it.my head had fallen appart between it all, i had a really long and exhausting summer that was punctuated with my twisted ankle and bad fights with my best friend.beyond even all of that i had lost the fight to still really run, i mean i was doing it, i was running and all but that was all i wasnt pushing, if it looked like it would be effort then there was some reasoning or excuse to hold myself back and take it easy, be careful.
my first attempt at breaking through and forcing myself to really push and fight to bring myself back was in seaside.that pushing sent me straight into a world of hurt. the agaony that filled my mind surpassed that of the ankle.everything kind of just broke loose.i was miserable iwas feeling overwhelmed by everything i was feeling like everything that could go wrong in my life was and it was by no means doing so gently. that walk back to find help was a long one. lots of thinking went on in that next few minutes.i was sick of letting myself be down. i had been there before and it sucked. i had to stop letting every little thing effect me or i was a goner. i let go,i opened up and set myself free again. i was done sulking about being the little sick/injured/jv kid- i was done with dealing with my own stupidity.
now at the start of that i said first attempt at breaking through. this is not 100% honest. had tried before but i didnt have the strength, well i didnt know it at least.since then ive been fixing things back up,school is going well, i dont feel as overwhelmed and well my running for the most part is back on track. I forced myself to race without fear, just the pure joy and fire of it-no holds. i let it rip saturday changed me. it changed me back.i had been in a bad way for a long time.with that run i dunno it kinda just broke the dam. i saw that i was still in here, i was still at control ready to go back off autopilot whenever i really made the choice.now,im really letting go im putting myself back together and not letting anything hold me back again.
this is my moment.
im taking it.
no matter what.