Up to Now

Well. Its been a minute.

So much has changed. I have changed.
  In February I returned from a two year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. First and foremost, the Midwest is all sorts of a different bag of fun from the west coast. The people are different, the climate is different, the world views are different. But I loved it.

When I left Washington on Feb 13th 2013, I had a bleak outlook on life. I was lonely. I was depressed. There was no real hope in my life. I had just finished what I saw as an extremely taxing year. It started with a chain of painful relationship mistakes and fights. Then came the car accident and concussion/memory loss. Then came the "loss of friends"...At least. That is what I looked at it as. Really, as always, things were just changing, growing evolving. I lost one of my best friends because of my own cruelty and senselessness. Another by my own choice. Others by just naturally drifting apart. Then came the depression. I had "lost" (by my own choice) those who were closest to me. Then I lost my drive with running. I Got up in the mornings, went to seminary, went home, then went to track practice. Like clockwork. Every day. Sometimes I would end up escaping into the woods and wilderness but it wasn't often.

A few things kept me alive and going. Top of the list being my brother. Jason. He would drag me off my butt, once a week and take me into the mountains. A peak a week. It kept me sane. Then, on some whim. I decided to start visiting the high school at lunchtime. At first it was to reconnect with Brendan and Mara. My two best friends. Truly the two people who had known me the best through the years. We jumped back into our friendships like I had never backed away from them. In some ways I hadn't. But the fact is, I hadn't really been talking to them consistently for two years prior.

Was it perfect? No. Did it start help giving me hope and happiness again? Yes. As I kept showing up at lunch times, I came to realize. I had people that cared about me. Even looked up to me. It was my senior year. I had spent the last 3 years running. I had gotten fast and, even though I hadn't really ever realized it, become someone that people looked up to. Younger runners popped out of the crowded high school hallways and would start talking to me.

In my two years I actually spent attending my high school I had never been popular. Not even close. In any circle. I was just another underclassman. Now, I was someone that people recognized. Needless to say, it was weird as heck for me. But, not gunna lie. It felt good. Especially with how terrible I had been thinking of myself.

So. Thats how things started to get a little better. I wont even begin to get in to that summer. It was insane.I lived. It was glorious. I had adventures and had fun. I got to be a kid for a while before I started taking life seriously. It was the perfect "last summer" (how I thought of it)

Then friends started disappearing for college and I was spending all of my time either at the airport working or screwing around like the 18 yr old I was. Then it came my time. I left Washington. I left home for the first real time. I moved to Idaho. I went to school and found out that the effects from my concussion were not actually gone. They were very much alive. I couldn't focus and remembering the things I was "learning" was impossible. I got lonely again. I was starting from pretty much scratch. I had one friend from back home and we hadn't really talked in about 6 years. So yeah. Clean slate.

That was a rough few months and I don't like to dwell on it. Long story short, I felt like there was nothing left for me at home. Or in Idaho. Or anywhere really. I decided that I needed a clean break from my past. A way to restart.

I would like to say the original reason for me going on a mission was purely selfless. I suppose in some ways it was. But when it comes down to it. I left because I knew it was right and good and I knew that all that was left for me at home was hurt.

So I left.

I like to think I can be pretty good at putting on a face. Considering the lack of concern from those around me, I did a pretty good job of it at the time.
My mission president the first adult I ever admitted having depression or anxiety problems to. I could count on one hand the number of humans flat out that I had ever told. Ironically I'm pretty sure that was, for the most part, the calmest 2 years for those things I had experienced since middle school.

My first area. Paris Illinois. March-May 2013

 I spent my first week with the stomach flu and after that we went to work. Well, what I thought was work. I learned later that my trainer wasn't exactly the most...diligent human ever. We made friends though, we had fun, we taught.

Pagedale Missouri

 My first "ghetto area" I loved it. I had good companions. I learned how to work, how to teach, how to interact with people. I had adventures. I met gang members, I watched grown men beat the living daylights out of each other, I saw the lives of the wealthy and the lives of the destitute. I learned what it really was to be happy.



...


I started this post over 6 months ago. It feels like a lifetime has gone by. I feel like to be real im not going to read over everything i already wrote to avoid editing/ deleting it. Im sure my perspective has changed since then.

When I wrote this, I was still working as a security guard. I was not a happy camper. I was sad and depressed and didnt know what was going on in life.
Now, I work as a transportation driver for a nursing home. I couldn't be happier. I love my job and I have excellent coworkers. I live in a new place that I love and a city that i feel like i can call home. I have a beautiful and wonderful wife. All is well in the world.

My goals as of now.
- Loose all the weight ive gained in the last year/ get into running shape.
- Figure out which college i want to go to.
- Start at said college.
- Get a degree.
- Find a job here that pays better and is deeper into the field of health care.
- OR move back to Washington to do the same.
- Find places to hike here
- If i am really staying here, Settle. Like for real. No more dreaming of wooded trails and mountain peaks in a far off land.
- Find a good older truck and fix it up good.

Yup. Life. Would I have guessed 3 years ago i would be where I am now? I would be lying if I said anything close to yes. This is nowhere near any of my plans. But it is good. I am happier than i have been in many many years.

And so. For now, I am done.

carpe diem

EPJ