Trials

i have always thought that i was one of those people who would just fight through things and make them bend to my will not effecting me. The last 2 months have proved me wrong
Back at the beginning of august,i was out late one night playing night games with friends(when i shouldn't have been) and at one point,i twisted my ankle badly enough i was afraid it was broken.
driving home scared the crap out of me.if something could hurt to that point when driving-how the heck could i run on it? the simple answer was that i couldnt i didnt even try for about a week or two. once i got back...it was bad i could run on it,i did i wouldnt let myself back down not after this last year.
this turned out to be a really crappy mindset. i was able to train i was improving but as the races proved my ankle was weak.i never let it heal i never gave it a chance to recover.
this added up to one race dropped out of and one that i didnt race. all in all it was a disheartening experience but ive fought through and caved to the voice telling me i needed a recovery.
No mater how many times i say it my ankle wasnt the biggest problem.neither my head nor my heart were really in it.my head had fallen appart between it all, i had a really long and exhausting summer that was punctuated with my twisted ankle and bad fights with my best friend.beyond even all of that i had lost the fight to still really run, i mean i was doing it, i was running and all but that was all i wasnt pushing, if it looked like it would be effort then there was some reasoning or excuse to hold myself back and take it easy, be careful.
my first attempt at breaking through and forcing myself to really push and fight to bring myself back was in seaside.that pushing sent me straight into a world of hurt. the agaony that filled my mind surpassed that of the ankle.everything kind of just broke loose.i was miserable iwas feeling overwhelmed by everything i was feeling like everything that could go wrong in my life was and it was by no means doing so gently. that walk back to find help was a long one. lots of thinking went on in that next few minutes.i was sick of letting myself be down. i had been there before and it sucked. i had to stop letting every little thing effect me or i was a goner. i let go,i opened up and set myself free again. i was done sulking about being the little sick/injured/jv kid- i was done with dealing with my own stupidity.
now at the start of that i said first attempt at breaking through. this is not 100% honest. had tried before but i didnt have the strength, well i didnt know it at least.since then ive been fixing things back up,school is going well, i dont feel as overwhelmed and well my running for the most part is back on track. I forced myself to race without fear, just the pure joy and fire of it-no holds. i let it rip saturday changed me. it changed me back.i had been in a bad way for a long time.with that run i dunno it kinda just broke the dam. i saw that i was still in here, i was still at control ready to go back off autopilot whenever i really made the choice.now,im really letting go im putting myself back together and not letting anything hold me back again.
this is my moment.
im taking it.
no matter what.

Time

In one second, a race can be won or lost,a life saved or taken,a friendship made or broken. Being who i am,a runner makes me appreciate time a little more than most. Over my time in high school much in my life has changed,ive changed my views on various things ive shifted from a mediocre runner content with just fighting to the finish to being a runner that competes seriously and about 5 minutes faster than i did freshman year.
in other things i have gone from someone packed tight in a little shell to someone who is a wee bit more outgoing and doesnt mind being in large groups
cross country has helped alot with that,the funniest thing is is that most of the changes in my life have been in the last year, year and a half im really glad that i have too,its been good to go from the guy that lived on a routine always going-seminary,school,run,home,read,sleep repeat. probly with read thrown in alot more than that and then theres now, at the moment im living on routine but thats jsut because of my lack of school going on but for the most part now i live planning as i go that is to say not planning at all =)
i feel old
thats alot of what goes through my mind now
i graduate in the spring
college or a job in the coming fall
mission in 2013
i feel old
i feel like so much hasnt happend in my teenage years yet at the same time so much
ive lived the last 4 years of my life with the motto of- "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift" for the most part ive tried to stay strong to that and ive very much so learned what that statement truely means
heres to yet another amazing year and a hope that this one beats even my last one

Thinking(5/26/11)

Cant really keep my brain flowing on my project so im taking a break.

"All around us are influences, our surroundings constantly mold us, shaping who we are, but only you can choose the end picture. Even if you are raised out of weeds, if you can stretch yourself tall enough, you'll see the sun and realize what you wanna become."-Josh Ward

today i ran into a fansite on facebook through a friends page, this fanpage was a memorial for Josh Ward
I personaly never knew Josh but after digging a little i found and remembered some connecting lines that are interesting.
He was 11 months to the day older than me
He ran track and cross country
His sophmore and because of a car accident life PR was 17.22 (ame as my SF year)
I raced with him once at lake wilderness
He enjoyed hiking
His friends took a memorial up to the top of Mt.Si last year within days of Jason and i's hike up. I noticed the memorial first and was intrigued
Josh was LDS
His family lives near me (the older Wards)
All in all Josh sounded like a guy that i probably would have gotten along really well with and reading what his friends and family said about him and a few quotes from him,im inspired by him, someone i never met has lit a spark of inspiration inside of me and i look forward to the day when i can meet this young man on the other side.

A bit from his eulogy
-"He learned to love running and ran pretty much every day. He liked to push himself and see how far he could go. Once he ran out on the Snoqualmie Valley trail to see how far he could go, but I don’t think he thought about the fact he had to run back too until he had gone too far. He ran 20 miles that day and was really sore for a while."


"Make every decision with thought
You don't know what tangent path
It'll throw you on
The butterfly (will) affect your world"

But ya, all in all going through all that and learning about someone i never knew yet had so mush in common with was an interesting experience

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School is almost over, life has pretty much come full circle in the past year
i see in my future over the next few months lots of trails and lots of vauluntary discomfort XD
Fires,runs,hikes,campouts,friends,adventures.
should be one fun summer =)
now just to finish up this year....

The summer bucket list(5/20/11)

1.Go to the drive in
2.Eat an entire XXX burger
3.Hike at least once a week
4.Run 6 Days a week
5.Get at least 500 miles in
6.Go on a run longer than 13 miles
7.Go on a camping trip with the group
8.Go fishing
9.Drive out to fort warden
10.Picnic somewhere random
11.Fly kites
12.Float the river
13.Go to flaming geyser
14.Beach camping/backpacking
15.Leave the state at least once
16.Bonfires galore
17.End of school year party (this really shoulda been at the top)
18.Burn "the pile" =)
19.Go on a crazy shirtless night run =)
20.Watch the meteor shower
21.Swim in the ocean
22.Go to the pool hall in the valley
23.The insane day =)
more to be added

Living life (4/30/11)

School,running,life
starting from the middle....
Running has kinda been blah for a while now, my body has been practialy telling me that it doenst like me and wants me to stop, every time i fix one problem another crops up.Been a depressing cylce but i dunno ive pretty much come to terms with it it and not let it bother me,there was a time when having all of this stuff happen with running would have torn me appart but now im pretty proud of where i am and how little its effecting my life.
One meet left havnt even come within reach of my 3200 time from last year but who knows, crazier things have happend

School consiting of BioAnthro,USHistory and Math. Anthro is both more and less than i went into it expecting,im really glad im taking it though, makes for a much more interesting alternative to normal biology,history is realy good but the teacher has a tendancy to go in circles and not be specific on any of the points he tries to get across, makes it a pain in the but for paying attention. Math has finaly gotten to the point where i am almost sad that i have a teacher that is impossible to understand,spent 2 and a half quarters being able to slack and half way listen and still get good grades in the class but now i actaly have to listen, like i said borderline depressing XD.

Life is going good,things on a whole are working out with school church running and everything combined.

Been a while

Life has been moving along,one quarter of green river done and another half way through. Its both easier and harder than i expected some things im outright shocked would be considered a challenge others i look at the teacher and go "did you forget you were teaching a 100 level class?" but hey its all life its fun and exciting and different and all kinds of things. I will never on pain of death (or at least frustration) take a philosophy class again in all my college years at least not if i can help it.
Running has been a roller coaster ive been able to convince myself to run more in the winter months than ever before but now as track approaches i have the feelings bombard me that usualy hit me in the cold and dreary months of november and december not january and feburary i just had it hit me that "why run its dumb what really made you even start and like it in the first place?" and that hit me,hard, i never give that question much thought when im feeling like that but for some reason i did and i seriously went to the brink considering quiting competative running for good giving up a pointless thing and for a few days i just quit running heck a week and i have to say it felt good but in the end that is not who i am.
I am a fighter who wont get put back by the winterrunningblues i will not back down and i will fight this to the end and heck i cant stop with so many people being able to say that they beat me thats just not ok.
I want my spot back.
No matter what i felt then i cant let it overpower me because in the end i am a runner who will not give up ever.