Trials

i have always thought that i was one of those people who would just fight through things and make them bend to my will not effecting me. The last 2 months have proved me wrong
Back at the beginning of august,i was out late one night playing night games with friends(when i shouldn't have been) and at one point,i twisted my ankle badly enough i was afraid it was broken.
driving home scared the crap out of me.if something could hurt to that point when driving-how the heck could i run on it? the simple answer was that i couldnt i didnt even try for about a week or two. once i got back...it was bad i could run on it,i did i wouldnt let myself back down not after this last year.
this turned out to be a really crappy mindset. i was able to train i was improving but as the races proved my ankle was weak.i never let it heal i never gave it a chance to recover.
this added up to one race dropped out of and one that i didnt race. all in all it was a disheartening experience but ive fought through and caved to the voice telling me i needed a recovery.
No mater how many times i say it my ankle wasnt the biggest problem.neither my head nor my heart were really in it.my head had fallen appart between it all, i had a really long and exhausting summer that was punctuated with my twisted ankle and bad fights with my best friend.beyond even all of that i had lost the fight to still really run, i mean i was doing it, i was running and all but that was all i wasnt pushing, if it looked like it would be effort then there was some reasoning or excuse to hold myself back and take it easy, be careful.
my first attempt at breaking through and forcing myself to really push and fight to bring myself back was in seaside.that pushing sent me straight into a world of hurt. the agaony that filled my mind surpassed that of the ankle.everything kind of just broke loose.i was miserable iwas feeling overwhelmed by everything i was feeling like everything that could go wrong in my life was and it was by no means doing so gently. that walk back to find help was a long one. lots of thinking went on in that next few minutes.i was sick of letting myself be down. i had been there before and it sucked. i had to stop letting every little thing effect me or i was a goner. i let go,i opened up and set myself free again. i was done sulking about being the little sick/injured/jv kid- i was done with dealing with my own stupidity.
now at the start of that i said first attempt at breaking through. this is not 100% honest. had tried before but i didnt have the strength, well i didnt know it at least.since then ive been fixing things back up,school is going well, i dont feel as overwhelmed and well my running for the most part is back on track. I forced myself to race without fear, just the pure joy and fire of it-no holds. i let it rip saturday changed me. it changed me back.i had been in a bad way for a long time.with that run i dunno it kinda just broke the dam. i saw that i was still in here, i was still at control ready to go back off autopilot whenever i really made the choice.now,im really letting go im putting myself back together and not letting anything hold me back again.
this is my moment.
im taking it.
no matter what.