The road to peace is riddled with potholes

Ive been making it a point in my life to start letting go and live more to be happier and have some fun. I mean I always have fun and stuff its just for a while there I felt like i was just going with the flow and letting life happen i wasnt making any choices really i was just skating by on minimal effort letting other people take the reigns for the most part,now i think more about what i want,what i need from life im done making other people happy and living trying to please everyone and everyone, i mean its a nice polite kind way to live but in the end its not really living i was just there. stagnant. before i keep talking i will say this,i love my friends and they are awesome that being said... most of the friends that i had been spending time with for the last year or so while they are all awesome and i never want to loose a single one of them they havnt been the best for me,when i first started spending time with them they helped me to get my head on straight and be a happier person i had sunk pretty low for a while and they were alot of what got me on my feet but then things took a dive and it started working the other direction and i just always felt exahusted i was always doing something to step on someones toes and thats the thing if i was succedding in eing sensitive about one persons feelings i was hurting anothers i just couldnt win and it was killing me

i think i might have handled it better if it wasnt for the accident i feel like i always go back to that but it really did have a massive impact on my life ive changed. with all that happend with me physicaly and psychologicaly after that i just didnt have the energy to do it all.for the first time in a while i needed someone there for me.and there was no none. i had so many people that were my close friends and they still talked to me and we hung out but when it came down to it i just never felt like they were there, like they didnt really care that much.
For the most part that wasnt really accurate and it was just my head screwing with me but to every paranoia there is a line of truth and as my head cleared and i recovered becoming me again i was done. i was sick of being the backburner boy for one friend, the friend to be resented for another and the friends friend. and so as school came to a close i made a choice. i would be happy.not that fake im going to smile now because punching someone in ther face would be frowned upon,but truely happy i was going to go through my life and change things up,change the way i was living my life,my priorities and in a large part,my friends not cutting anyone out just changing things,taking back my control.

Two of the really big changes in my life were Brendan and Mara, whether they knew it or not. they were my oldest and closest friends and the things i missed most about being at kentwood they are freaking amazing friends and i dont foresee ever not being friends with either of them ive been through way too freaking much over the years with them and theyve always made me genuinely happy, they can both drive me up a wall sometimes but hey the best ones always do =) beyond that i kinda just took a break from my other friends,it was never intended as a permanent one but still i needed some time to back off and reasses my life,and if they cared enough and were patient enough they could be let back in,if not then its on their heads and they can work for it.before i was always the one working so i figured it was time. annnnnd then i got a job working in olympia which solidified the chasm between most of my friends and me at least temporarily then i came back and got a different job that would take up lots of my time,when it comes down to it now its a much greater effort to spend time with people so now i aim to make the best of my time instead of squandering it so far ive sure as heck done that and ive had a heck of a time be it long phone calls or a movie with a 12 can challenge (horrible freaking idea btw brendan and i tied at i think it was 6 or 7 XD) Life is good
Life is balanced I am happy Peace at last =) A thank you to anyone that helped me through these last four years and these last few months especialy it means alot. -EPJ